Trump, Magic Trump
by telcontarian
Summary: When Sarah wishes away a certain Politician, she finds herself sharing an unexpected drink with the Goblin King as they bond over their troublesome companion.


**Trump, Magic Trump**

**By Tari**

**I feel I must apologise for this crack fic. I wrote it when I was loaded with the cold. Inspiration comes from Andy at LFFL on Facebook for giving me the idea of this fic, and a big thank you to Viciously Witty for helping me write the character for a certain goblin.**

**Warning for politics and politician bashing. This is intended to be a crack fic.**

**Disclaimer: Don't own Labyrinth or Lord of the Rings.**

* * *

Sarah swore violently, shaking a fist in the direction of the television set before turning it off with a groan. Sighing, Sarah ran shaky fingers through her long, chestnut brown hair before massaging her temples in an attempt to relieve the migraine that she knew was beginning to form. Good God, twenty-two years old and she was already turning into her father.

For months now, America had been sitting on the edge of its political seat. Normally, Sarah had zero interest in politics, however the latest Presidential campaign had left her sick with fear for the future of her beloved country. Sometimes, Sarah wondered what her life would have been like if she had accepted Jareth's offer and remained Underground to rule by his side.

"Jareth…" she sighed dreamily, in her politically induced haze momentarily forgetting that words have power, "I wish that you would take the President away right now."

* * *

Later that evening, Sarah emerged from her bath feeling incredibly relaxed. Dressed in her favourite fluffy dressing gown, Sarah hummed absent-mindedly as she towel-dried her hair and wondered how she would spend the remainder of her evening. Her dad and Karen had gone out for the night and Toby was having a sleepover at a friend's house. Should she open a bottle of wine or watch her favourite movie on the large screen television in the living room? Both, Sarah decided with a happy grin, she would do both.

Opening the bathroom door, Sarah sighed contentedly as her bare toes sank into the plush carpet that lined the hallway. Seriously, she thought whilst walking downstairs towards the kitchen, how could she have ever hated Karen when she had such an impeccable taste in carpets?

"Aha!" exclaimed Sarah as she opened the refrigerator door and found the bottle of white wine that Karen had been saving to complement tomorrow night's dinner, "I'm sure she won't mind."

Oblivious to her surroundings, Sarah's mind entirely too fixated on a potential Lord of the Rings movie marathon, Sarah closed the refrigerator door and turned around to face a presumably empty kitchen. She shrieked in fright and dropped the bottle of wine, completely unaware of the smashed glass and precious liquid that pooled around her bare feet and was now creating a large puddle across the kitchen floor. For standing in front of her, an errant eyebrow disappearing into his flyaway hair as he beheld the spectacle that stood before him, was none other than His Nibs, Jareth, the King of the Goblins.

"What the fuck are you doing here?" asked Sarah eloquently, her hopes of a peaceful night shattered, dashed like the bottle of wine by her feet. "Toby's not here, so you can't have him."

Jareth sighed in annoyance, the base of his swagger stick tapping out a jaunty rhythm on his leather clad, muscular thigh. Sarah's eyes immediately dropped to the motion, fighting back the thick blush that was threatening to steal across her cheeks. Maybe her night wouldn't be so boring after all, and she was already halfway undressed…

"Sarah!"

Sarah blushed scarlet, embarrassed that she had been caught fantasising about the creative ways in which Jareth could use his swagger stick, preferably on her bare flesh. Slowly, she dragged her eyes upwards to meet the amused gaze of the Goblin King.

"Were you listening to a single word that I said?" Sarah shook her head mutely. Jareth pinched the bridge of his nose in exasperation, muttering darkly to himself. "I said you have thirteen hours in which to solve my Labyrinth or your President will become one of us forever."

"Come again?"

Jareth snapped his fingers and Sarah recoiled in horror at the goblin who now stood before her, reeking of what could only be described as being dunked head-first repeatedly into the Bog of Eternal Stench. The President of the United States of America glared back at her, beady eyes narrowed in distrust. His once crisp, tailored suit now hung from his short, squat frame in tatters, although Sarah was somewhat glad to see that his wig remained intact.

"Upon the moment of his inauguration," Jareth began slowly, "I distinctly recall your President being wished away by a certain Champion who really ought to know better by now that words have power. Or are you going to inform me once again that you did not mean to wish him away?"

"No, I meant every word."

In spite of the seriousness of the situation, Sarah all but cackled as Jareth's eye visibly twitched in his frustration. "So, you will not run the Labyrinth to reclaim your President?"

"No."

"What in the seven kingdoms has this man done that you will not attempt to save him from such a miserable existence?"

"How long have you got?"

With a sigh of sheer frustration, Jareth snapped his fingers and the bottle of wine repaired itself. Sarah immediately brightened, turning briefly away from the monarch to fetch two wine glasses. "Trust me, Goblin King, it would be better for everyone if he were to remain a goblin."

She beckoned Jareth to follow her into the adjacent dining room and took a seat at the ornate dining table, gesturing for Jareth to occupy the seat across from her, and poured a generous serving of wine into each glass. "So, what took you so long to answer my summons? Last time you arrived in a clap of thunder and a shower of glitter almost immediately and scared the crap out of me. And why have you already turned him into a goblin before you knew whether or not I would run the Labyrinth for him?" Her nose wrinkled in disgust as the newly turned goblin scampered gracelessly up the table leg before plonking himself down on the surface of the table with a loud fart.

Jareth paused, raising his wine glass in a silent toast to his Champion before taking a long draught. _Sharing wine with the Goblin King, _Sarah mused, _I certainly never thought that I would be doing this today. This is better than watching two Hobbits throwing a magic ring into a volcano. _

"When he arrived at my Castle," answered Jareth slowly, "He spent three hours trying to deport me, followed by four hours of threatening me with his lawyers and attempting to serve me with cease and desist notices. I figured that he would make a better goblin than a human, so I turned him and bogged him for good measure."

"That would explain the smell." Sarah glanced over towards the goblin who glared at her before making a rude gesture in her direction. "Charming. Please tell me that he makes a better goblin than a human?"

Jareth swallowed a large mouthful of wine before answering Sarah's question. "I do not want him to remain in my kingdom. He has been my subject for approximately eight hours and he has already tried to form three governments in an attempt to overthrow my monarchy. He has a strange fascination for attempting to build walls, and he has even tried to convert my Castle into a hotel and charge me for staying in my own residence."

Sarah snorted into her wine glass.

"Thankfully," Jareth continued, "My goblins cannot seem to abide him. They cannot even spell the word 'government', let alone form one."

"Have you thought of a name for him yet?"

"Several. All of which cannot be repeated in the company of a lady."

Sarah snickered. "How about Harvey Wallbanger?"

Jareth paused as he mulled it over. "That sounds acceptable." He turned to face the goblin whose arms were folded petulantly over his puffed-out chest in resentment for being left out of the conversation. "You should be honoured. It is not every day that one is Christened by the Champion of the Labyrinth."

Harvey Wallbanger grunted in response, turning away from his monarch in disgust.

"Have you decided what you are going to do with him yet?" asked Sarah as she polished off the last of her glass of wine.

Jareth dutifully refilled both of their glasses before looking thoughtfully over towards the stubborn little goblin. "I had originally hoped to pair him with Ludo, given your former President's unnatural fondness for masonry."

"Oh, you have no idea!" replied Sarah with a laugh. "So how did Ludo like having a new apprentice?" asked Sarah with a fond smile as she thought of her gentle friend.

"He didn't," said Jareth with a frown. "Ludo complained that your President 'smelled bad' and refused to work with him. I truly do not know where to place him. I cannot leave him within the walls of my Labyrinth as he has already made two runners cry…"

Jareth trailed off as Harvey Wallbanger grew tired of the two humans insulting his vast intelligence and knocked the wine bottle off of the table. He pointed a finger at Sarah in accusation. "Oh no you don't, buddy," said Sarah sternly, watching in appreciation as Jareth frowned at the goblin before sweeping a hand over the shards of broken glass and repairing the bottle once more, replenishing the liquid for good measure. _That really is a neat trick. I'll need to wish people away more often. _Shaking her head with a wry smile, Sarah turned her attention back to Harvey Wallbanger. "Would you like a cookie, Mr President?" The goblin nodded enthusiastically. "Sit down nicely and hold out your hands."

Jareth watched in fascination as the goblin followed her instructions without question. "What sorcery is this?"

"It's called bribery. Works great on seven-year-old children. What's the magic word?" Sarah added to the goblin who was now attempting to steal the sugar-coated chocolate treat from her hands.

"Putin."

"Close enough," Sarah replied with a shrug. "You know, Goblin King…"

"Jareth."

"Excuse me?"

"My name is Jareth, Precious," he replied, silently holding up the wine bottle. Sarah nodded and Jareth poured them each another generous glass.

"I was just thinking, Jareth," began Sarah slowly, "Is Hoggle still Prince of the Land of Stench?"

"A ceremonial position only, I can assure you."

"How do you think he would feel about abdicating?"

"It has merit," acknowledged Jareth, glancing over at the goblin who was now watching and listening to the conversation with rapt attention. "He would be far enough away from my Castle to not pose a threat to my sovereignty and he could build as many walls as he wanted to keep out the stench."

"Then it's settled," replied Sarah, tapping her glass to Jareth's with a gentle clink. "How would you like to be a Prince, little man?"

Harvey Wallbanger nodded enthusiastically. Summoning a crystal ball with a flick of his wrist, Jareth threw it at the perplexed goblin who disappeared in a puff of smoke. "What did you do with him?" asked Sarah curiously.

"Sent him to reign over his new kingdom."

"You dropped him head-first into the Bog of Eternal Stench again, didn't you?"

"Maybe."

Sarah shrugged. "He probably deserved it." Glancing at the kitchen clock, Sarah groaned when she discovered that it was almost midnight. "I don't mean to be rude, but my father and stepmother will be home soon and they may be confused as to why I am sharing wine with the Goblin King from my story book."

Jareth merely smirked in response, his mismatched eyes gleaming as they followed Sarah's every movement as she stood up and started to gather the wine glasses before placing them carefully in the sink and running the hot water. Despite having consumed almost an entire bottle of wine each, Jareth was impressed to note that Sarah appeared to hold her alcohol well and her movements were still fluid and graceful.

When Sarah had defeated the Labyrinth at the tender age of fifteen, Jareth had caught but a glimpse of the powerful and confident woman that Sarah would become. Barely a hint of the introverted young girl, teetering on the brink of girlhood and womanhood, with a head full of magic and fairy tales remained. Even as a young child, Sarah held the belief and imagination strong enough to summon the Goblin King. Sarah was fae-touched, a gift so rare now in the mortal world of iron and industry. Indeed, Jareth had not encountered such power in lonely years unnumbered. And now as an adult, it only made Sarah all the more desirable and irresistible.

A delicious shudder spread along the delicate column of Sarah's spine, igniting her veins with wildfire as she felt the sudden heat of the Goblin King at her back and his hot, seductive breath at her ear. "You know, Sarah," he murmured, a gloved hand teasingly tracing her subtle curves through the fluffy material of her dressing gown. "I do not believe that I have offered you your dreams yet."

"No," replied Sarah huskily, her breathing a little erratic as she turned to face her childhood nemesis. "You haven't."

"Tell me," said Jareth, a devious smirk forming on his lips as he beheld the breathless woman before him, "What is it that you most desire?" He summoned a crystal ball, peering into its fathomless depths and the smile dropped rapidly from his face. "Really, Precious? Of all the beautiful things that I could teach you, and the wonders that I could show you in both your world and mine, you want me to teach you how to replenish an empty wine bottle?"

* * *

**Please review!**


End file.
